Thoughts
by KatsyKat
Summary: A little introspection from Heero.


My childhood wasn't miserable.

Although I've never heard it referred to as such in my presence, it is implied enough for even me, the socially inept one to have picked up on it.

Everyone who has had the misfortune of meeting me thinks it. Perhaps even I believed it for a time. After all, it's an acceptable enough conclusion. Rather than understand me, it's easier to classify my background into neat and organized descriptions and fill in the blanks that help explain my current nature in the most basic form.

The truth is, looking back on it all, I always enjoyed the unique challenges my youth put before me.

I suppose, knowing what I know now… Having lived through everything I have. Knowing the things I've done and could do and could have done, it **should** somehow have seemed a horrific existence:

not knowing my parents;

living on the streets;

being found and exploited by an assassin who was killed in front of me;

training to become the perfect soldier;

being pushed to near exhaustion every day;

learning to kill men, without mercy or emotions.

All this before I was even 15 (according to the best genetic estimates the colonists could afford) to inadequately prepare an invincible soldier to overcome a trial greater than anyone could have imagined.

Everyone tells me that I am the embodiment of the perfect soldier. That I, alone, encompass everything humanity has sought to accomplish. That I couldn't fail because I was on the side of the just.

I find myself a little uncomfortable by the thought. Oddly humbled by their naiveté, perhaps, but mostly unnerved.

Anyone who has survived a battle will tell you that doing so requires more luck that skill.

As much as I'd like to say "there is always a right and a wrong side", or that "things will be always be right in the end", perhaps "the greater your skills the better your chance of survival" or even "the faster the reaction time and the bigger the punch the easier it is to win the fight". I cannot.

If I told you these things, I would be a liar. And to me, that's worse than an honest person who may have made a few mistakes because he was confused or mistaken, but not that he wasn't trying to be just.

Any of the Gundam Pilots will tell you the same thing.

In order to put your life on the line, again, and again and even if the time comes… again, you have to believe in what you are fighting for. More than believe, you have to KNOW you're right.

And knowing isn't even the right word for it. It's simply the only equivilivant to the deeper emotions, which I don't and probably never will have the finesse to explain properly.

That is what politicians are for.

To explain to the greater masses why things are the way they are and what we can do to change them.

When you stop knowing what is right is when death sneaks around behind your back.

Not to say you'll always die by losing your path, but you won't know how close it is until the time comes for it to show itself and if you're not completely prepared. No matter the circumstances, you can bet death would be happy to count you among its claimed souls.

But listen to me. All poetic. I really didn't know I had it in me.

To be honest, I couldn't have even name one single sonnet from any writer, or even tell you what a sonnet is, aside **possibly** from the dictionary definition I would only know because it was deemed necessary school information that I needed to assimilate to prevent negative attention from my teachers and/or 'peers' while putting up the façade of being a "normal" student and blending in to achieve my missions.

Speaking of which, what a joke that was. Just goes to prove that all the knowledge in the world doesn't do any good if you can't socialize properly.

But I'm getting sidetracked. What I meant to get around to is what I like to think of as the 4th element. Element as in dimension. In this day and age there's nary a toddler that doesn't understand the three dimensions or planes that hold every imaginable thing in it's hold of matter.

Wether through video games, or geometry it's an easy enough concept to grasp – height, depth and width. But what of the unknown factor? The sixth sense?

That gut instinct that so many swear by? The same instinct that I relied on so much during the most difficult trials of my life.

How does that classify into our neat organized concepts of the universe and all that's in it?

Do we call those who would place faith in it unstable? Shun that which they place so highly? Or do we study it? Place it in a peaty dish under a microscope and dissect that which makes it so…

The fact of the matter is that we cannot.

We can not prove it through science. We can't measure it. We can't even rightly describe it.

But we have to know that it is there. A small sliver that shows us that things are connected.

PEOPLE are connected.

And it took one person to show this to me. And I vowed to help her show as many people as she could.

After all, if she can reach the buried heart of one codenamed, Heero Yuy – she could help anyone.

Even you.

* * *

So, a little introspection from our little hero.

BTW - please do not let me ruin your day by telling you I own no characters from Gundam Wing.

Hope you enjoyed.

SuziKat


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